Legs

I hereby present my current legs workout, also known as the “Nice Ass Regimen.”

Before we begin, the first rule for all exercises here is: “Go heavy and go deep or go home.” You should be using enough weight to bring you to near-failure on the last set of each exercise. Note: do not actually go to failure on squats or deadlifts, or you will injure yourself.

1. Front Squat – My current rep scheme is 4 sets of 8. Go deep; You don’t want to play with high-rep schemes for front squats because your form will break down quickly if you’re using quality weight and squatting to depth. Remember: go deep. Go balls-deep.[fn1] Front squats are the best exercise for your quads that you will ever find, but they also recruit your glutes, your calves, and, as you will discover if you are going heavy and deep enough, your lateral obliques (”side abs”).

2. Romanian Deadlift – 3 sets of 10. Use straps if you need them, but only if you can’t actually hold the weight anymore. RDLs (in fact, all deadlifts) have the benefit of working your arms, especially your forearms, as long as they have to work to hold the bar up. This is a hip-powered movement; lift with your hips, not your back. Start by standing upright, holding the bar in front of you. Stick your hips back, keeping your back flat, allowing the weight to pull your torso most of the way to the floor. Lift by forcefully driving your hips forward. That’s right; push in your hips like you paid for her.

3. Leg Press – 3 sets of 10-12. You know how these work. If you use 5-pound plates for any reason, you deserve to die.

You’ll notice that there are no leg extensions listed. That is because I don’t want do fuck up my knees. I would suggest that you stay away from them, too, unless your goal is to fuck up your knees.

4. Leg curl – 3 sets of 10-12. Pick a machine that’s comfortable.

5.(a) Standing calf raise: 3 sets of 12.
5.(b) Standing calf raise, toes facing inward: 3 sets of 12.

Now, suppose that you’re feeling particularly hardk0re. This might not be enough training volume. In that case, you can add: walking dumbbell lunges. Do 3 sets of 10 (per leg). These are a good idea if you’re looking to really blast your quads and glutes, and they’re a great way to add unilateral movements to your regimen (which most of us need to focus on more, myself included). Do these after squats but before leg presses (in slot 2 or 3).

Now, let me tell you a story. No matter what I try for my calves, I’ve never broken 16 inches. I’m therefore willing to entertain suggestions. When I saw a guy in his early 40s at the gym with calves larger than my head, I naturally wondered what he had going on (besides good genetics). Here was his legs regimen: leg extensions, leg curls, and then 1/2 hour on the treadmill with an incline of 12%. That’s it. That’s all he does. For calf-building, it makes sense: walking uphill is a compound movement, and it’s a high-rep movement. Compound movements work best for building, and your calves, consisting of a lot of Type I fibers, would respond best to that kind of high-rep movement.

So, to finish it off: get on the treadmill, crank up the incline as high as it will go, and walk at least 4 MPH for as long as you can.

FN1: If your knees permit, your squats should go all the way down: “ass to grass,” as some say. No matter what, though, unless you have a diagnosed knee problem that specifically prevents you from doing so, you should be able to at least squat low enough that your thighs are parallel to the floor.

WHY?!

Two days ago, while I was loading the leg press machine, I went to get one of the 100-pound plates from the storage rack attached to the machine. First, though, I had to move a 5-pound plate out of the way, because it had been put on the same rack. My question is: why the hell is there a 5-pound plate anywhere near the leg press?

I’m a girl, so I shouldn’t do push-ups (and other things I will smack you for saying)

People have all kinds of funny excuses for not following advice and not doing what they know they should do. Other people just say stupid things. It really should be legal to hit certain people, though, just to make them stop.

1. “I’m a girl, so I shouldn’t be able to do push-ups.”
Usually said by: a female who has just asked how to get better arms.
The proper response to dipshit like this is, “Says who?” No, seriously, what authority is the basis for that statement? Did you get it from a trainer? A coach? A fitness mag? I can say with certainty from whom you did not hear this: someone who looks the way you want to look. Besides: you know full well that this kind of excuse will never fly with MEEEE!!!

2. “I like Maroon 5.”
Usually said by: 20-something females and douchebags who are actually 20-something females on the inside
This actually has nothing to do with the gym, but you know I have a point here.

3. “Wine is for pussies. Real men drink beer.”
Usually said by: a guy with a substantial beer gut; the manliest thing he did all week involved his Fantasy Football picks.
As we all know, beer facilitates the conversion of testosterone into estrogen. As you may or may not know, wine (especially red wine) contains resveratrol, which inhibits that process and thus elevates your levels of free testosterone. In other words, beer decreases the hormone that makes you male and increases the hormone that makes you female. Wine has the opposite effect. That is why ale-chuggers from the British Isles tend to grow man-boobs, but you don’t find them on Frenchmen. But, hey, if you think having boobs is a sign of manliness, knock yourself out. No, seriously; hit yourself until you’re unconscious. Or I’ll do it for you.

3.(a) Corollary: “There is no valid reason for a man to know anything about wine.”
Usually said by: a guy who is 115 pounds overweight. The manliest thing he did that day was eat a giant lunch.
So, in addition to the above, you’re denigrating someone for having knowledge. Let me guess: you voted for Bush at least once, didn’t you?

4. “Who’s your supplier?” (i.e., for my steriods)
Usually said by: This usually isn’t said to me by someone at the gym. This is said by someone who hasn’t seen the inside of a gym since Nickelback was still cool* and has apparently forgotten, or never realized, two things: (1) results take hard work, and and (2) with hard work, results will come. In other words: the speaker has failed to consider the fact that the reason that I continue to improve while he remains a flabby loser with at least 30% bodyfat and nothing underneath, isn’t because I’m juicing. It’s because I go to the fucking gym. I back squat 315 lbs. for reps. I do unassisted pull-ups with 45 pounds of extra weight strapped to me. The heaviest thing you’ve lifted all month was your Costco-sized package of Twinkies, which you then fried because you are a lardass.

In fact, for this I will not smack you. I will instead shove my foot so far up your ass that you will die.

* Nickelback was never cool.

Heavy Metal

The music you listen to at the gym should be like everything else you do: heavy and hard. It should be like a deadlift where the bar sags on both sides because it is so heavy. It should not be like curling 10-pound dumbbells while standing on one leg on a squishy ball. No one ever got big, strong, or lean from doing that, but if you joined a gym just for the privilege of looking like an idiot in that particular fashion… well, it’s your money. Go fill your iPod with the latest Jonas Brothers tracks, because what follows is not for you.

Here’s the new workout playlist. It’s awesome. Music by MEEE!!! (Volume II)

1. Tool – “Stinkfist”
Tool can be difficult to work with, considering how much they love the bizarre time-signature shifts, but this song is sane enough to work. At this point, you’re probably familiar with the types of tempos and rhythms that I consider appropriate. If not, then your sense of rhythm is suspect to the point that I feel for your girlfriend. Oh, you don’t have one? Your life sucks.

2. Nine Inch Nails – “Heresy (version)”
Q: What’s cooler than a kick-ass track from NIN’s best album to date?
A: That same track remixed/reengineered by Charlie Clouser to kick even more ass. It’s from the import version of Further Down the Spiral.

3. Dream Theater – “Lie”
Another good, straightforward rocker from a group better known for its complexity. Heavy, awesome, amazingly well-performed, and once again, even the singer sounds all right on this one.

4. Ozzy Osbourne – “I Don’t Wanna Stop”
That’s good, because you’re only four songs in. Ozzy rules. Fun fact: this was the song that finally toppled “Crazy Train.”

5. Megadeth – “Trust”
Maybe not everyone likes Megadeth. Maybe you’re more comfortable with what the majority listens to and passes off as rock. So while you’re rocking out to Nickelback with your collar popped, with your bros telling you that “it’s all you” while they “spot” you by lifting the bar off of your chest after you just choked a 135-pound bench press, just remember the following: you suck, and you will probably die alone.

6. Rage Against the Machine – “Guerrilla Radio”
It’s Rage. It gets the blood pumping and fills you with the desire to break Nelson Mandella out of prison and topple the capitalist pigs. Or bust through a plateau in your bench press. Whichever.

7. Guns ‘n’ Roses – “You Could Be Mine”
Another good rocker from the real G’n'R (as opposed to the empty shell that gave us Chinese Democracy). Bonus: the Terminator 2 connection.

8. Republica – “Ready to Go (U.S. Mix)”
Do you remember Republica? Few do, with is unfortunate because the entire album ruled. This particular track, though, by virtue of the presence of guitars, seems the most gym-worthy. It’s a slightly different flavor than the other entries on this list, but variety is good.

9. White Zombie – “Thunder Kiss ‘65″
If you don’t like Rob Zombie or White Zombie, you need to go to the pawn shop and hope that you kept the claim ticket for your balls. Because if you don’t like Rob Zombie, you don’t have balls.

10. Pearl Jam – “Why Go”
Yeah, I know I previously said that Pearl Jam doesn’t work for this. Some of the older stuff does, though. I’m just sick of the big hits off of Ten. To be fair, so is Eddie Vedder.

11. Van Halen – “Aftershock”
It’s from Balance, so I can guarantee that most of you have never heard it. Give it a shot; it’s from Van Halen’s uncharacteristically serious phase. It wasn’t their most popular turn, but they did it really well. It’s a good track from their last good album. To those who live south of the Mason-Dixon line: it’s a Sammy track. Deal with it and drink one of your Miller Highlife’s or something.

12. Metallica – “Wherever I May Roam”
Whoa, what’s this? Metallica and Megadeth together on the same playlist? ZOMG, the blasphemy!!!1!one! …yeah, so I’m glad no one cares about that feud anymore. Seriously, though: if Metallica kicks you out because of your drinking problem, it’s time to get help. Anyway, this song rules.

…and on that note (see what I did there?), it’s been an hour. Go home.

Babe I’m Going to Leave You

I’m done with Tabata and am moving on. Long story short: I read this article about complexes at T-Nation, tried it, and I’m hooked.

After a week and a half of doing complexes A, E, and F (located at the end of the article), I lost 3/4 of an inch around my waist, putting me at 32 1/2 inches, 192 1/2 pounds, and 12.0% body-fat. Cut your carbs (especially the bad ones), don’t eat crap, stay away from beer, and give this a shot. My abs have never looked better.

Why do I specifically stick to A, E, and F? Because snatches are dangerous to attempt without someone to teach you how to do them right.

I will admit to one quibble with Complex E, though: it features two overhead presses, one of which is the behind the neck press, which many lifters don’t do because they’re fucking dangerous. I’m going to experiment with replacing the second set of presses with upright rows.

Hate

Apparently, I can’t repeat this enough times: if your form consistently sucks, you only do half-reps, or you haven’t made any gains in over a year, do not interrupt my workout to share your fucking wisdom.

So Pure

Everyone’s talking about high-fructose corn syrup lately, and now that the corn industry is starting to push back, the discussion is rapidly becoming muddied. Based on what I’ve heard, read, and researched, and speaking as a non-doctor (except maybe a doctor of AWESOME), here’s what I’ve managed to carry away:

1. Of the the spots that the corn industry has been running states that HFCS is “nutritionally identical” to sugar. That’s not entirely true, of course; it’s of the fructose it contains, though. Chemically speaking, a molecule of table sugar (sucrose) is a molecule of fructose bound with a molecule of glucose. The glucose “breaks off” almost immediately and is absorbed by the body, causing a blood-sugar spike while leaving behind a fructose molecule, which your body will treat just like any other fructose molecule.

Fructose is processed differently than sucrose (as in, does not cause a blood-sugar spike), which means that it will not stem your cravings for sweets. This is why it’s so easy to consume so much of any food containing HFCS; it doesn’t satisfy your craving for sweets right away, so you keep eating.

2. HFCS is a cheap, abundant source of empty calories. It is prevalent because it is so cheap. What this means for the average consumer is that while we are all feeling the economic pinch, so much of the affordable food contains this cheap, abundant form of sugar. Is anyone really going to try to argue that a nation with growing waste-lines needs more sugar?

3. HFCS is heavily processed. It is produced by putting corn through an industrial process; it does not come out simply by squeezing kernels.

4. The statements that “corn is good for you,” so HFCS can’t be bad, are without meaning whatsoever. First of all: no it isn’t. Corn is oversubsidized and next to nutritionally worthless; any nutrients it does contain are excreted along with the undigested kernels. Second: ethanol is also made from corn. Are you arguing that we should drink that as a health tonic?

5. According to Democracy Now!, the predominant process for making HFCS increases our risk of exposure to trace amounts of mercury (although this could be rectified by implementing a safer process).

Off He Goes

Cable cross-overs are overrated. There; I said it. Their greatest appeal is that you look awesome while you’re watching yourself in the mirror when you’re doing them.

In theory, they’re an isolation movement for your pecs. On the surface, using cables for it makes sense. After all, cables confer the benefits of free weights, with the added benefit that they provide resistance through your entire range of motion. Free weights are unable to do this for several types of movements because they are only useful so long as you are working against gravity.

Additionally, they’re hard to do because it takes a lot of work to stabilize your movement. Again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. We’re not here to take it easy. If you want to take it easy, stay home on your couch. You’ll still be a fat-ass, but at least you don’t have to work hard.

The problem is that they are hard for the wrong reason. You aren’t just struggling to keeps your arms stable; you are struggling to keep your entire body stable. This limits the amount of weight you can use and greatly reduces the benefit for your scrawny, concave pecs.

Apparently, though, they can be saved. I saw one fellow at my gym doing a variation on them that seemed fairly effective. I say this because his torso is larger than a whale. What he did was to position himself directly in the center of the cable machine, holding one cable in each hand, with his torso bent 90 degrees forward, facing the floor. He then performed the usual cross-over movement from this position.

Disclaimer: I have not tried this myself yet. However, it does seem that this method reduces the problem of core instability to the point that you can use actual weight.

There are alternatives to cable cross-overs. This is good, because aside from looking good, cross-overs work just like any other sort of misguided “instability’ training. What do I refer to? Picture a pudgy, middle-aged woman standing on a Bosu ball. Yeah, it’s like that.

Fuel

One thing a lot of people don’t realize is that your gains don’t happen in the gym. Whether your goal is strength, bulk, or weight loss, you reach these goals as your body undergoes an adaptive process that occurs outside the gym. The successful application of what you do in the gym depends on what your body is able to do with itself afterward. This is why rest and diet are so important.

Rest: get at least 7 hours of sleep every day. (That was easy.)

Diet: don’t eat crap. (I rock at this.)

In all seriousness, what you eat will have a huge impact on your results. Some would even go so far as to say that the difference between a muscle-building regimen and a fat-loss regimen is your diet. Realistically, that’s some naive oversimplicity, but it does help illustrate the point that what you eat (and how much you eat) has major determinative effect.

A bit more to the point, though: for fat loss, you do want to create a caloric deficit. The idea, then, is to adjust your portion sizes so that your body, while it is recovering, burns more than you put in.[fn1] To preserve muscle mass, you’ll want to keep your protein high. Reduce your carb and fat intake instead.

Eating clean: ideally, where possible and affordable, stick to real food. Real food grows from the ground or comes directly from an animal. It is not manufactured; it is not refined; it is not enriched; it is not hydrogenated; it does not contain preservatives or high-fructose corn syrup. It really doesn’t come with fries and a Coke. Remember the caveman: caveman food is real food.

However, most of us don’t live on a farm, so we have to make do. Still, the best way to eat can be summed up with the following quote I’ve seen in a few places: “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” What this means for us is that, when possible, what we eat should be:

1. real food: as unprocessed as possible
2. nutrient-rich
3. plant-based
4. portioned reasonably

Why plants? They are nutrient-rich and generally low in bad fat and bad carbs. When you’re at the grocery store, stick to the perimeter, where they sell the food that can spoil. Why do we want this? Because food that spoils is actually food. For the most part, stay away from the center of the store; that’s where they sell the cheap, processed, empty calories that keep Americans fat. As a general rule, the more hard-to-pronounce ingredients there are in a food, the worse it is for you. As far as grains go: stick to whole grains. The less processing, enriching, or preservatives added, the better.

Whatever you do, stay away from partially hydrogenated oil and high-fructose corn syrup. No, this is not some fear-mongering about how HFCS will kill you; just keep in mind that it’s a cheap, abundant form of sugar that has no real effect on you except to make you fat.

In fact, from a nutritional perspective, most things based on corn are pretty worthless. Don’t believe me? Just consider how little your body actually uses of any corn that you consume. As most of us have probably noticed by now, whole corn passes through us almost completely unchanged. How much benefit do you really think you’re getting from that?

But what’s good for you? More to the point, what’s good for you that you can afford? The best way to find good, affordable produce is to find your nearest farmer’s market; it’ll be cheap, in-season, healthier, and you’ll be supporting the farmers directly. Also, I strongly endorse the consumption of eggs and oatmeal. They’re loaded with good stuff, they’re cheap, and there’s an endless variety of things you can do with them to make them tastier and even better for you.

In completely unrelated news, we’re all wusses compared to this guy: http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,24898111-2,00.html

FN1: this does not mean you should weigh your food. Unless you are an actual bodybuilder or figure athlete less than 4 weeks away from a competition, there is no sufficiently compelling reason to micromanage your portion size like that. If you find yourself constantly weighing your every meal, it is a possible sign of an actual eating disorder. Don’t do that shit. Just be aware of what you’re eating and practice self-control.

Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down

As you probably know, the music hosting site I used earlier, Muxtape, ran into a bit of a problem with the RIAA, and as a result, everything that anyone posted there is lost. However, thanks to the generosity of my other reader, we are now back in business. They’re nothing but a bunch of bullies; we can’t let them push us around.

She actually set this up for me some time ago, but I sorta let it slide. I was recently inspired to revisit my project of sharing my knowledge of Proper Workout Music, though, by a douchebag at my school gym who hooked his iPod up to the stereo and blasted his Rocky playlist. Yeah, it included “Eye of the Tiger.” Tool. If the idea is to prove how hardk0re you are, this effort is made of fail. By blasting it so loudly that no one can tune it out, you are failing loudly and aggressively to the detriment of everyone around. See also: Bush-era foreign policy. I really won’t miss that guy.

I’m here to help you rock out without sounding like a tool. As part of this new beginning, I hereby present to you the exact same playlist I presented last time. This time, however, I’m posting the track listing here, just in case something happens. You know, again.

Without further ado, I present Music by MEEE!!!

1. Primus (feat Ozzy) – Nativity in Black
There are two types of people on this earth: people who like Ozzy better with Black Sabbath, and people who like him better on his own. Some may say that they don’t like him at all. They aren’t actually people and you should kill them with fire. This track takes a classic, bad-ass Sabbath song and makes it even awesomer. It’s a great way to start.

2. Pantera – Walk
At one end of the manliness spectrum, there is Pantera. At the other end is Coldplay. This song not only features the aggression that we all know to expect, but its groove and tempo are perfect for our needs.

3. Disturbed – Voices
More good aggression with a good, aggressive tempo. Fills you with a desire to go nuts and kill your coworkers or something.

4. Buck Cherry – Crazy Bitch
A guilty pleasure. Seriously, though, one way or another, it gets you in the mood for something rough, like punching a crazy ex like after she tried that shit with the pregnancy test. Wait, where was I?

5. Motley Crue – Girls Girls Girls
If you need help understanding why this song is manful, your penis is hearby revoked.

6. Atreyu – Becoming the Bull
It’s kinda what we’re doing here. Also, the song has the right energy.

7. Smashing Pumpkins – Zero
This song is on here entirely because it inspired me to bang out a few extra sets one time when it came on the radio. This means that it works.

8. Metallica – So What
Lars sucks. This Anti-Nowhere League cover rocks, though.

9. Guns ‘n’ Roses – It’s So Easy
Axl sucks, and so does everything off of Chinese Democracy. This song, on the other hand, is everything hard and rude about the real G’n'R that we all used to love and, to this day, we mourn its loss. Make up for it in the weight room. It’s what Slash would want.

10. Dream Theater – As I Am
Dream Theater, with their insane time signature changes and 18-minute instrumentals, can be tough to handle. This song, though, is a good, straightforward rocker, and the singer even sounds like he doesn’t suck for a living. The album version has an intro where nothing happens for 90 seconds or so; this version fixes that problem and gets straight down to business.

11. Lacuna Coil – Fragile
This is the song that made me notice Lacuna Coil. The entire album Karmacode rocks. You’ll continue to hear from them.

12. Iron Maiden – The Number of the Beast
Because by now, you are the beast. Or something. It’s a legendary piece that’s a great way to finish your workout. Yes, this is the end. Why? First of all, because the Muxtape format only permits up to twelve tracks. Also, unless you’re moving onto some extended cardio (which, as you know, I do not endorse), you really shouldn’t spend more than an hour in the gym. That’s a one-way ticket to the Overtraining Land.