How Many More Times

A new record for MEEE!!! was set on Saturday:  a 365-pound deadlift while hungover.  I’m awesome.

Wasted Time

The following people can shut the fuck up:

1. People who don’t eat breakfast.[fn1] These people have nothing valid to offer into any conversation about fitness, strength, diet, exercise, or life. It’s usually something like, “Oh, I’m not a ‘breakfast’ kind of person.” You’re also not an “in-shape” kind of person. Go hit yourself in the junk until you dry-heave. It’s not like you’ll puke up your breakfast.

Don’t be an idiot about it, either. If you think that breakfast from McDonald’s or any cereal with the word “frosted” in its name satisfies this, I will punch you in your stupid throat.

2. People who say something like, “That’s your opinion” when justifying their use of what they know to be incorrect form. Certain movements are defined in industry-standard terms that describe what makes up a correct basic movement. These are standardized definitions agreed upon many fitness coaches, fitness authors, bodybuilders, and professional lifters who do this for a living so that people know what they are talking about.

So, no, it is not a matter of opinion as to whether only going one-third of the way through a movement is correct, any more than anyone can have a valid “opinion” that Sarah Palin has actual foreign policy experience or that Jessica Alba isn’t fucking hot. There’s a reason that the serious lifters who use correct form keep outpacing you like you’re standing still. If you want to “do your thing,” that’s your right, but leave the grown-ups alone and keep your dipshit, counterfactual “opinions” locked in your pie hole, and don’t interrupt my workout to try to sell me this horseshit.

3. Badly out-of-shape people who ask for help or advice, then disregard it because they know better. Since you know what you need so much better than the people who are, you know, good at it, how about you stop wasting our time and go cut your own dick off with a powersaw?

One guy asked me to take him to the gym and make him get in some work. I had him doing some post-lifting cardio, but I saw that he was “jogging” at about 4.5 mph (no exaggeration). I told him he was wasting his time at that speed, to which he replied with a pompous sneer, “It’s the movement that matters.”

He’s right, of course; intensity doesn’t matter, which is why it’s just as productive for someone to bench 65 lbs. as it is for them to bench 315 lbs. You’ll have the same gains in size and strength, and you’ll oxidize fat just as quickly! Everything all those serious lifters and athletes out there have done over the years was wasted effort because hard work doesn’t matter! Thanks for setting me straight. Dumbass. Forget knowing anything about anatomy, physiology, or biology; this guy already knows everything he (or you) will ever need, and the reason he’s so overweight is because it’s the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust.

4. People whose mantra is, “I need to get in shape”, yet they never get off their asses and do anything about it. These people seemingly know what they “need,” but they never find the willpower or the energy to get off the damn couch and stop playing Gears of War. If you stopped flapping your mouth about what you “need to do,” you just might find the time to get off your ass and do it.

5. People who got pissed off about this ad. How do you people work up the energy to be outraged about this? You can’t even summon the energy to get off the couch or the motivation to put down your bag of McDonald’s and eat some fucking vegetables. If I had my way, fat people would be sent to forced labor camps to pay society back for all the extra food and resources that they’ve consumed over the years.

Seriously, though. It’s celery. Try it. It won’t kill you.

FN1. This is not intended to speak to the debate about fasted vs. unfasted cardio; there’s science to support both sides of whether to eat before you do morning cardio. I believe that the “correct” answer to this varies from person to person.

The Great Destroyer

I’ve decided to take a stand on the matter of preacher curls: they suck, and so do the people who use them. Unlike your mom, they don’t even do it well. They’re dangerous and they’re just about fucking useless, just like DRM: a service that is presented as a good thing, but really just impedes you from getting what you came for, and if you slip up, they’ll mess up your elbows and murder your family.

First, the danger. Most preacher curl benches that I’ve seen have a curved surface, rather than a flat one. Why is this a problem? Try extending your arm until the elbow locks. Unless you’re some bendy freak, your arm should lock into a straight position. It is not natural for it to hyperextend, and in fact pushing your radius and ulna past that point can cause severe damage to the bones and connective tissue in your elbow, kinda like I’m going to do to that douche who keeps singing along to Linkin’ Park. (Hey, while you’re at it, want to throw in some Hinder? Really, that’ll make you look even less like a 14-year-old girl.) Does that sound like a fun time to you? Wait, it DOESN’T? Then why the hell would you put yourself through it?

Yet when you’re using most preacher curl benches, your arm is locked at the end of your eccentric motion: the upper portion is firmly held in place, yet the weight in your hands is pulling attempting to pull your forearms even further down. While this probably won’t break your elbow, it will unnecessarily strain it. There’s one guy at my gym who told me that he “deals” with this by simply not lowering their arm all the way, which means that he’s not doing a full rep, he’s working less than half of his muscle’s range of motion, and he’s defeating the purported purpose behind the exercise. Also, his military press also only goes down to the top of his head. His advice is worth less than an AIG stock certificate.

Second problem: the range of motion is very limited. Granted, this is, to one extent or another, a problem with every curl. It’s only effective as long as the muscle is under tension. With a standard curl, you aren’t under tension at the top or the bottom of the movement because you aren’t working against gravity. The idea of the preacher curl is that it forces you to remain under tension at the bottom of the movement. The trade-off is that it further shortens the amount of time you spend under tension at the top. Half-reps are great if all you want is to half-develop your muscles. It’s your choice, kinda like how I only wash the passenger side of my car.

Still not convinced? Look at what the guys with big guns do. How many of them rely on preacher curls? Few use them at all, and the ones who do have something else in their arsenal. When all else fails, PAY ATTENTION TO THE ONES WHO ARE DOING IT RIGHT.

To be fair, there is a valid use for some preacher curl benches. If your gym lets you use the steep side, it can be a good way to lock your arm into place so that you can do a proper curl without cheating. In my experience, though, you can’t do that at most gyms. The preacher bench sits there, taking up space, waiting to lure in the next punk with delusions of adequacy.

If you’re after that stretch at the bottom, there are better, safer, more productive ways to get it. One of my favorites is the seated incline dumbbell curl. Not only does it give you the stretch at the end, but it also emphasizes the oft-neglected “long head” of your biceps. Bonus: this technique is endorsed by Kara Thrace.

There is one guaranteed way, though, to remain under tension at the top and the bottom of a biceps movement without sacrificing anything to gravity: stop being a pussy and do your chin-ups. If you’re truly hardk0re, you’ll do them with extra weight strapped to you. Some people use a 45-pound plate; I just use your mom.

I Think I’m Dumb

Without a doubt, if a trainer had to pick one type of equipment to use in furtherance of fostering awesomeness, the answer lies in dumbbells. They’re great for every important compound movement, except for one. If you can’t figure out the one type of movement that you can’t use them for, I can help: ram your head into the nearest hard doorway, then find something you can hang from and do a pull-up. The head-ram won’t help your performance, but it would be funny. Please post videos of your results.

Oddly enough, I don’t use dumbbells much for my legs. Until today. Realistically, there just isn’t enough weight available in dumbbell form for me to do deadlifts, but they’re perfect for lunges and walking lunges. I’ve lately taken to splitting up my legs workouts into separate days for quads and hams/glutes (this might not last), and I think the walking lunges would be a great way to focus the quads. This has two advantages. First: I won’t have to use the leg extension machine as a finisher, and I pretty much make fun of people who insist on sitting down for most of their time at the gym. I also make fun of people whose idea of cardio is to play drums on Rock Band.

Second, and probably more important, is that it’s a unilateral exercise. Unilateral movements have a lot of advantages. They force you to even out any strength imbalances, as well as being very beneficial in terms of high-threshold motor unit activation. Some lifters swear by unilateral movements, some don’t see the point; I see advantages, and the best way to take advantage of this type of movement is to use dumbbells. Remember, though, to go heavy or go home. Little, pink, five-pound dumbbells are for little girls and Brother Gimli.

By My Side

This young man was kind enough to demonstrate why it’s important to pay attention to your surroundings when you lift.

Know Your Rights

Image: skinny young girl on an eliptical trainer. She spends her alloted half hour, but she doesn’t seem to be going very fast, and if you look more closely, she’s might not even ever break a sweat. If she lifts any weights at all, she does isolation work using those pink 2 1/2-pound dumb bells. Bonus: she struggles to open the door to get into or out of the gym and uses the handicapped button if one is available.

Image: middle-aged woman, thicker than she’d like to be, sticking to largely the same program as the girl above. You see her reliably at the gym 3 times each week for two years, yet she never seems to make any progress. In fact, she’s worn the same workout clothes this whole time, and they fit the same now as they did two years ago.

I was recently asked why I don’t talk about women and the gym. The answer is simple: why talk about other people when I can talk about MEEE!!!? However, it’s good to philosphize sometimes, so let’s drop some analysis. Mens sana in corpore sano.

I rarely think about women at the gym for a simple, discouraging reason: they are rarely there to think about. Sure, they’re present in the building, using some of the equipment they pay for, but how often do you see a woman doing a quality workout? As in, lifting quality weight, doing cardio intelligently, or doing anything that will actually give them results? In my own experience, sadly enough, I can count them on my fingers and still have digits to spare.

I don’t mean this to begrudge the women who show up to play rackeball or tennis; they’re doing physically demanding work that will provide good results. They’re doing it right. They’re just outside my zone of interest in the sense that they occupy a foreign space for me, a space occupied by people who actually like sports. My disappointment lies not with such people. In my experience, though, the majority of women at the gym don’t do this, nor do they lift quality weight.

This doesn’t happen because women are inherently dumb at the gym; it’s because most people are dumb at the gym, combined with the fact that so many women have ceded the space to men. Not that the guys are actually more capable of doing it better (in fact, most of them don’t). They dominate the weight room by default. Women, by and large, have ceded the area of the gym where the most productive things happen. Many are afraid of getting too big and bulky. To them I say, “Unless you’re juicing, stop worrying.” However, I’d also wager that many of them subscribe to the simple, yet widespread, persistent, and insidious belief that women aren’t supposed to be strong.

It’s not fair to just blame them for failing to rise to the occasion, though. Many feel pushed out. Part of it’s the old mentality of the all-boys club. Part of it is that same belief that women aren’t supposed to be strong. Others just don’t feel comfortable with douchebags like me leering at them in their tight, revealing gym clothes. The long and the short of it: meathead jocks push women out because their manliness is threatened by the danger that a woman might get strong, and many women let it happen.

Women make up more than half of our population, yet they are expected not to make themselves strong. Does this sound right to you?

In the words of trainer Rachel Cosgrove, “Maybe it’s because we’ve been told our whole lives the things we can’t do, rather than what we can do. We all grew up doing ‘girl push-ups,’ because we were told ‘girls can’t do full push-ups,’ or we had to hang from the bar instead of doing a chin-up because ‘girls can’t do chin-ups.’ Heck, not too long ago, the first woman to run a full marathon had to sneak in dressed as a man, because ‘women can’t run marathons.’”

Even women whose goals are to perfect that “red carpet” look aren’t going to achieve it with their reliance on steady-state, low-intensity cardio and low-weight isolation work. It requires a holistic view of fitness. The necessary information is out there, but so many people are either too intellectually lazy to seek it out or too physically lazy to implement it.

Obviously, some women break out of the mold, and they deserve admiration, not only for taking the steps to challenge and improve themselves, but also for breaking the iron ceiling (I just made that one up on the spot. I rule). I salute all those out there and would much rather have any of them spotting for me than some stimulus-junkie who thinks that “functional strength” refers to his dosage.

Lose It

I had planned to post measurements last week. The problem was, it was incorporated into a post that I haven’t finish writing and thus never posted. I’m working on it. The finished product will blow your mind. In the meantime, here are the measurements from the beginning of last week:

Weight: 200

Upper arm: 15 7/8

Forearm: 13 3/4

Bust: 45 (partly due to changing the measurement site)

Waist: 34

Thigh: 23 7/8

Calf: 15 7/8

Body fat %: 12.4

And here are the measurements from today:

Weight: 197

Upper arm: 15 3/4

Forearm: 13 3/4

Bust: 45 1/4

Waist: 34

Thigh: 24

Calf: 16

Body fat %: 10.3 (That seems like a bit of a drastic drop, so take these readings with a grain of salt. I’m still figuring out the intricacies of digital calipers. I never said I was smart.)

At this point, my faithful reader has noticed that some of my measurements improved, even though my bodyweight dropped 3 pounds. What happened between then and now? I started actually doing energy-system training. Jump rope (which probably explains the calves), sprint drills (probably also contributed to the calves), cycle sprints, kettlebell swings, and swimming. In addition, I tried a modified 10×3 plan: 10 sets of 3, using compound movements exclusively, with rest intervals of only 45 seconds. The progress I showed in a short amount of time was nothing short of astounding, but be warned that it’s very taxing, even if you only do it twice each week.

The waist measurement is notably unchanged, probably because I’ve failed to fight the sweet tooth lately. I was doing so well last week, too. That’s the problem with self-discipline: it only works if you stick to it. It helps to have someone else pushing you through it or going through it with you, but I’m pretty much going it alone.

EDIT: Using a different method of measuring body fat, I measured around 16.4%, which, while probably high, I suspect is more accurate than the 10.3% that I came up with.

One Way to Rock

There’s an important element to any workout, regardless of whether you’re banging out heavy compound movements, hitting the punching bag, or running like you owe someone money: the music you’re listening to. Not any just any music will do; it must have energy, aggression, testosterone, awesomeness, and a helpful tempo, and it can be difficult to balance all of these factors effectively. Many people do it wrong. Some people simply have the balance wrong; others are singing along to Sister Hazel.

You may be lost without guidelines and helpful hints. Don’t worry; I’m here for you.

It must have energy. If it’s something that you would use to go to sleep or for “chillaxin’”, it is not an appropriate selection. It must energize you.

It must have some aggression. Does it make you want to tear the limbs off of the weak? Does it inspire you to press that bar like you’re angry? Or does it make you want to caress that barbell and whisper sweet nothings into its ear?

Testosterone. You’re there to man up, not to be a girly man.

It must be awesome. You are there to become awesome; how well is that going to work if your journey is powered by Hinder?

The tempo and rhythm must be right. It can be a balls-out metal onslaught that seeks nothing less than to rape, pillage, and plunder everything in sight, but it’s not much help if the tempo and rhythm don’t drive you. Pick your tempo according to what you’re doing. Are you lifting for reps? Are you jogging? Are you sprinting? All these are factors to consider.

Some helpful hints for what to try and what to avoid:

Van Halen: can be good, depending on the song and the era. With one exception, they bring energy, testosterone, and awesomeness to the table. Make sure the rhythm is right.

Gary Cherone: pussy.

Pantera: one of the benchmarks by which manliness is measured.

Linkin’ Park: suck. People who listen to them and think that they’re awesome need to blow themselves or break their necks trying.

Pearl Jam: even though they are the greatest group on this earth, they’re rarely a good choice for reasons of tempo and lack of aggression. You’re not here to be inspired to love everybody and vote the Republicans out of office; you’re here to become a beast.

Guns ‘n’ Roses: Axl sucks. That’s not in dispute. However, they did have a period where they were pretty awesome. (for music historians, that period was known as the Appetite for Destruction.)

Sister Hazel: lack aggression, they suck, the sound of their music turns testosterone into estrogen, and if you like them, you’re probably a fucking Gator.

Evanescence: Meh. You can do better.

Lacuna Coil: for people who heard Evanescence and wondered if anyone could do it better, here’s your answer. Bonus: Amy Lee is not in this band.

Ozzy: How is there any question? Some people prefer Black Sabbath; some people prefer Ozzy on his own. The fact is, though, that you like at least one of those, and if you don’t, you’re a worthless tool.

Tool: they’re a little too creative with time signature changes for most of their work to be helpful here, but there’s a few useful gems.

Nickelback: There are two types of people in this world: people who like Nickelback and people who actually like music. Remember that stupid fucking song “Rock Star”? Remember those douchebags who would turn it up and sing along whenever that song came on the radio, which happened approximately 3 times an hour? This may be why the terrorists hate us.

Metallica: time signature and tempo changes again make this trickier than you’d think, but there’s enough energy and aggression spanning part of their career to find something useful. Lars sucks.

Rob Zombie: badass.

For an example of how to do it right, check this out: Music by MEEE!!!

Train of Consequences

I solemnly swear that I am too awesome for any of the following epic failure to happen to me.

Ow. Those didn’t look light.

This guy probably messed up because he’s doing it sideways. Proper form is important.

At least this guy had the sense to drop it before something permanent happened.

That one raises some intriguing questions. What exactly was he trying? Why did he have a camera rolling? Why did he let it appear on YouTube? Whatever he was attempting to accomplish, he was doing it wrong.

Get a Grip

I’ve hit a plateau for my deadlifts. The timing is right, since I’m about at the end of my current stage, so it’s not a big deal for now, but it’s a problem to attack in the future. It might also be time for some remedial isolation work in this regard.

I have not run into a problem with glutes or hamstrings; instead, the problem is my ability to actually hold the bar up. My grip just isn’t strong enough to hold up 315 pounds for more than 5 reps before that bar is ready to go crashing to the floor. There are a few ways to deal with this. I’ve used straps to augment my grip, which does actually help; however, it does not address the root of the problem, which is strength deficit. Strength deficit is a fancy way of saying weakness, which must be overcome by becoming more awesome.

Usually, deadlifts are pretty reliable for building grip strength. Since I’ve hit the plateau, though, it’s time to try something else. One guy (a trustworthy source) recommended dead hangs; for some reason, though, I have a hard time just hanging from something without wanting to do a pull-up. Also, even with added weight, that would still be less than what I’ve been deadlifting, so while it’s something to keep in mind, I’m not convinced it’s what I’m after.

What’s left? There’s always the direct approach. Using grippers, though, is hardly enough. The ones you can buy in most stores (I’m looking at you, Sports Authority) only provide somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 pounds of resistance. It turns out that stronger ones are available, like the 200-pound Heavy Grip I’m using. [Insert easy joke about heavy grip here]

In the mean time, I started using the trap bar for deadlifts, s the above-mentioned reliable source also suggested. It’s much easier to maintain a grip (I even find it easier than using the alternating grip on a flat bar), even without using straps. I also find it easier on my lower back, which means my legs are doing more of the work. This is probably because they way we’re built, it’s a more natural movement to hold the heavy thing by your sides than to reach in front of you and bend over it. The end result: I can deadlift 315 for a set of ten without objection from rebellious forearms.

It’s time to begin another leg of my journey, though: energy system training and fat loss. I’ll have plenty of time to work on grip strength while I focus on uncovering the rock-hard abs that are evidently hiding under an extra layer of insulation.

Weight: 201 lbs.

Upper arm: 15 3/4

Forearm: 13 3/4

Bust: 44 1/2

Waist: 34 3/8

Thigh: 23 3/4

Calf: 15 3/4

It’s time for energy-system training, diet modification, carefully timed rest intervals during weight training, and a grand experiment with a kettlebell.  In other words, the kind of stuff that stimulus-junkies hate, because it wears you out without giving you the awesome pump that so many douchebags find so critical to any workout.  You know, because it’s important to look awesome for about an hour after a workout.  Then again, if these guys stopped jerking off to Men’s Health, their forearms would look like Kate Moss.