How Many More Times

A new record for MEEE!!! was set on Saturday:  a 365-pound deadlift while hungover.  I’m awesome.

Wasted Time

The following people can shut the fuck up:

1. People who don’t eat breakfast.[fn1] These people have nothing valid to offer into any conversation about fitness, strength, diet, exercise, or life. It’s usually something like, “Oh, I’m not a ‘breakfast’ kind of person.” You’re also not an “in-shape” kind of person. Go hit yourself in the junk until you dry-heave. It’s not like you’ll puke up your breakfast.

Don’t be an idiot about it, either. If you think that breakfast from McDonald’s or any cereal with the word “frosted” in its name satisfies this, I will punch you in your stupid throat.

2. People who say something like, “That’s your opinion” when justifying their use of what they know to be incorrect form. Certain movements are defined in industry-standard terms that describe what makes up a correct basic movement. These are standardized definitions agreed upon many fitness coaches, fitness authors, bodybuilders, and professional lifters who do this for a living so that people know what they are talking about.

So, no, it is not a matter of opinion as to whether only going one-third of the way through a movement is correct, any more than anyone can have a valid “opinion” that Sarah Palin has actual foreign policy experience or that Jessica Alba isn’t fucking hot. There’s a reason that the serious lifters who use correct form keep outpacing you like you’re standing still. If you want to “do your thing,” that’s your right, but leave the grown-ups alone and keep your dipshit, counterfactual “opinions” locked in your pie hole, and don’t interrupt my workout to try to sell me this horseshit.

3. Badly out-of-shape people who ask for help or advice, then disregard it because they know better. Since you know what you need so much better than the people who are, you know, good at it, how about you stop wasting our time and go cut your own dick off with a powersaw?

One guy asked me to take him to the gym and make him get in some work. I had him doing some post-lifting cardio, but I saw that he was “jogging” at about 4.5 mph (no exaggeration). I told him he was wasting his time at that speed, to which he replied with a pompous sneer, “It’s the movement that matters.”

He’s right, of course; intensity doesn’t matter, which is why it’s just as productive for someone to bench 65 lbs. as it is for them to bench 315 lbs. You’ll have the same gains in size and strength, and you’ll oxidize fat just as quickly! Everything all those serious lifters and athletes out there have done over the years was wasted effort because hard work doesn’t matter! Thanks for setting me straight. Dumbass. Forget knowing anything about anatomy, physiology, or biology; this guy already knows everything he (or you) will ever need, and the reason he’s so overweight is because it’s the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust.

4. People whose mantra is, “I need to get in shape”, yet they never get off their asses and do anything about it. These people seemingly know what they “need,” but they never find the willpower or the energy to get off the damn couch and stop playing Gears of War. If you stopped flapping your mouth about what you “need to do,” you just might find the time to get off your ass and do it.

5. People who got pissed off about this ad. How do you people work up the energy to be outraged about this? You can’t even summon the energy to get off the couch or the motivation to put down your bag of McDonald’s and eat some fucking vegetables. If I had my way, fat people would be sent to forced labor camps to pay society back for all the extra food and resources that they’ve consumed over the years.

Seriously, though. It’s celery. Try it. It won’t kill you.

FN1. This is not intended to speak to the debate about fasted vs. unfasted cardio; there’s science to support both sides of whether to eat before you do morning cardio. I believe that the “correct” answer to this varies from person to person.

The Great Destroyer

I’ve decided to take a stand on the matter of preacher curls: they suck, and so do the people who use them. Unlike your mom, they don’t even do it well. They’re dangerous and they’re just about fucking useless, just like DRM: a service that is presented as a good thing, but really just impedes you from getting what you came for, and if you slip up, they’ll mess up your elbows and murder your family.

First, the danger. Most preacher curl benches that I’ve seen have a curved surface, rather than a flat one. Why is this a problem? Try extending your arm until the elbow locks. Unless you’re some bendy freak, your arm should lock into a straight position. It is not natural for it to hyperextend, and in fact pushing your radius and ulna past that point can cause severe damage to the bones and connective tissue in your elbow, kinda like I’m going to do to that douche who keeps singing along to Linkin’ Park. (Hey, while you’re at it, want to throw in some Hinder? Really, that’ll make you look even less like a 14-year-old girl.) Does that sound like a fun time to you? Wait, it DOESN’T? Then why the hell would you put yourself through it?

Yet when you’re using most preacher curl benches, your arm is locked at the end of your eccentric motion: the upper portion is firmly held in place, yet the weight in your hands is pulling attempting to pull your forearms even further down. While this probably won’t break your elbow, it will unnecessarily strain it. There’s one guy at my gym who told me that he “deals” with this by simply not lowering their arm all the way, which means that he’s not doing a full rep, he’s working less than half of his muscle’s range of motion, and he’s defeating the purported purpose behind the exercise. Also, his military press also only goes down to the top of his head. His advice is worth less than an AIG stock certificate.

Second problem: the range of motion is very limited. Granted, this is, to one extent or another, a problem with every curl. It’s only effective as long as the muscle is under tension. With a standard curl, you aren’t under tension at the top or the bottom of the movement because you aren’t working against gravity. The idea of the preacher curl is that it forces you to remain under tension at the bottom of the movement. The trade-off is that it further shortens the amount of time you spend under tension at the top. Half-reps are great if all you want is to half-develop your muscles. It’s your choice, kinda like how I only wash the passenger side of my car.

Still not convinced? Look at what the guys with big guns do. How many of them rely on preacher curls? Few use them at all, and the ones who do have something else in their arsenal. When all else fails, PAY ATTENTION TO THE ONES WHO ARE DOING IT RIGHT.

To be fair, there is a valid use for some preacher curl benches. If your gym lets you use the steep side, it can be a good way to lock your arm into place so that you can do a proper curl without cheating. In my experience, though, you can’t do that at most gyms. The preacher bench sits there, taking up space, waiting to lure in the next punk with delusions of adequacy.

If you’re after that stretch at the bottom, there are better, safer, more productive ways to get it. One of my favorites is the seated incline dumbbell curl. Not only does it give you the stretch at the end, but it also emphasizes the oft-neglected “long head” of your biceps. Bonus: this technique is endorsed by Kara Thrace.

There is one guaranteed way, though, to remain under tension at the top and the bottom of a biceps movement without sacrificing anything to gravity: stop being a pussy and do your chin-ups. If you’re truly hardk0re, you’ll do them with extra weight strapped to you. Some people use a 45-pound plate; I just use your mom.

I Think I’m Dumb

Without a doubt, if a trainer had to pick one type of equipment to use in furtherance of fostering awesomeness, the answer lies in dumbbells. They’re great for every important compound movement, except for one. If you can’t figure out the one type of movement that you can’t use them for, I can help: ram your head into the nearest hard doorway, then find something you can hang from and do a pull-up. The head-ram won’t help your performance, but it would be funny. Please post videos of your results.

Oddly enough, I don’t use dumbbells much for my legs. Until today. Realistically, there just isn’t enough weight available in dumbbell form for me to do deadlifts, but they’re perfect for lunges and walking lunges. I’ve lately taken to splitting up my legs workouts into separate days for quads and hams/glutes (this might not last), and I think the walking lunges would be a great way to focus the quads. This has two advantages. First: I won’t have to use the leg extension machine as a finisher, and I pretty much make fun of people who insist on sitting down for most of their time at the gym. I also make fun of people whose idea of cardio is to play drums on Rock Band.

Second, and probably more important, is that it’s a unilateral exercise. Unilateral movements have a lot of advantages. They force you to even out any strength imbalances, as well as being very beneficial in terms of high-threshold motor unit activation. Some lifters swear by unilateral movements, some don’t see the point; I see advantages, and the best way to take advantage of this type of movement is to use dumbbells. Remember, though, to go heavy or go home. Little, pink, five-pound dumbbells are for little girls and Brother Gimli.