Heavy Metal
The music you listen to at the gym should be like everything else you do: heavy and hard. It should be like a deadlift where the bar sags on both sides because it is so heavy. It should not be like curling 10-pound dumbbells while standing on one leg on a squishy ball. No one ever got big, strong, or lean from doing that, but if you joined a gym just for the privilege of looking like an idiot in that particular fashion… well, it’s your money. Go fill your iPod with the latest Jonas Brothers tracks, because what follows is not for you.
Here’s the new workout playlist. It’s awesome. Music by MEEE!!! (Volume II)
1. Tool – “Stinkfist”
Tool can be difficult to work with, considering how much they love the bizarre time-signature shifts, but this song is sane enough to work. At this point, you’re probably familiar with the types of tempos and rhythms that I consider appropriate. If not, then your sense of rhythm is suspect to the point that I feel for your girlfriend. Oh, you don’t have one? Your life sucks.
2. Nine Inch Nails – “Heresy (version)”
Q: What’s cooler than a kick-ass track from NIN’s best album to date?
A: That same track remixed/reengineered by Charlie Clouser to kick even more ass. It’s from the import version of Further Down the Spiral.
3. Dream Theater – “Lie”
Another good, straightforward rocker from a group better known for its complexity. Heavy, awesome, amazingly well-performed, and once again, even the singer sounds all right on this one.
4. Ozzy Osbourne – “I Don’t Wanna Stop”
That’s good, because you’re only four songs in. Ozzy rules. Fun fact: this was the song that finally toppled “Crazy Train.”
5. Megadeth – “Trust”
Maybe not everyone likes Megadeth. Maybe you’re more comfortable with what the majority listens to and passes off as rock. So while you’re rocking out to Nickelback with your collar popped, with your bros telling you that “it’s all you” while they “spot” you by lifting the bar off of your chest after you just choked a 135-pound bench press, just remember the following: you suck, and you will probably die alone.
6. Rage Against the Machine – “Guerrilla Radio”
It’s Rage. It gets the blood pumping and fills you with the desire to break Nelson Mandella out of prison and topple the capitalist pigs. Or bust through a plateau in your bench press. Whichever.
7. Guns ‘n’ Roses – “You Could Be Mine”
Another good rocker from the real G’n'R (as opposed to the empty shell that gave us Chinese Democracy). Bonus: the Terminator 2 connection.
8. Republica – “Ready to Go (U.S. Mix)”
Do you remember Republica? Few do, with is unfortunate because the entire album ruled. This particular track, though, by virtue of the presence of guitars, seems the most gym-worthy. It’s a slightly different flavor than the other entries on this list, but variety is good.
9. White Zombie – “Thunder Kiss ‘65″
If you don’t like Rob Zombie or White Zombie, you need to go to the pawn shop and hope that you kept the claim ticket for your balls. Because if you don’t like Rob Zombie, you don’t have balls.
10. Pearl Jam – “Why Go”
Yeah, I know I previously said that Pearl Jam doesn’t work for this. Some of the older stuff does, though. I’m just sick of the big hits off of Ten. To be fair, so is Eddie Vedder.
11. Van Halen – “Aftershock”
It’s from Balance, so I can guarantee that most of you have never heard it. Give it a shot; it’s from Van Halen’s uncharacteristically serious phase. It wasn’t their most popular turn, but they did it really well. It’s a good track from their last good album. To those who live south of the Mason-Dixon line: it’s a Sammy track. Deal with it and drink one of your Miller Highlife’s or something.
12. Metallica – “Wherever I May Roam”
Whoa, what’s this? Metallica and Megadeth together on the same playlist? ZOMG, the blasphemy!!!1!one! …yeah, so I’m glad no one cares about that feud anymore. Seriously, though: if Metallica kicks you out because of your drinking problem, it’s time to get help. Anyway, this song rules.
…and on that note (see what I did there?), it’s been an hour. Go home.
