I’m a girl, so I shouldn’t do push-ups (and other things I will smack you for saying)

People have all kinds of funny excuses for not following advice and not doing what they know they should do. Other people just say stupid things. It really should be legal to hit certain people, though, just to make them stop.

1. “I’m a girl, so I shouldn’t be able to do push-ups.”
Usually said by: a female who has just asked how to get better arms.
The proper response to dipshit like this is, “Says who?” No, seriously, what authority is the basis for that statement? Did you get it from a trainer? A coach? A fitness mag? I can say with certainty from whom you did not hear this: someone who looks the way you want to look. Besides: you know full well that this kind of excuse will never fly with MEEEE!!!

2. “I like Maroon 5.”
Usually said by: 20-something females and douchebags who are actually 20-something females on the inside
This actually has nothing to do with the gym, except to the extent that it makes me want to shove you into a locker after stealing your milk money.

3. “Wine is for pussies. Real men drink beer.”
Usually said by: a guy with a substantial beer gut; the manliest thing he did all week involved his Fantasy Football picks.
As we all know, beer facilitates the conversion of testosterone into estrogen. As you may or may not know, wine (especially red wine) contains resveratrol, which inhibits that process and thus elevates your levels of free testosterone. In other words, beer decreases the hormone that makes you male and increases the hormone that makes you female. Wine has the opposite effect. That is why ale-chuggers from the British Isles tend to grow man-boobs, but you don’t find them on Frenchmen. But, hey, if you think having boobs is a sign of manliness, knock yourself out. No, seriously; hit yourself until you’re unconscious. Or I’ll do it for you.

3.(a) Corollary: “There is no valid reason for a man to know anything about wine.”
Usually said by: a guy who is 115 pounds overweight. The manliest thing he did that day was eat a giant lunch.
So, in addition to the above, you’re denigrating someone for having knowledge. Let me guess: you voted for Bush at least once, didn’t you?

4. “Who’s your supplier?” (i.e., for my steriods)
Usually said by: This usually isn’t said to me by someone at the gym. This is said by someone who hasn’t seen the inside of a gym since Nickelback was still cool* and has apparently forgotten, or never realized, two things: (1) results take hard work, and and (2) with hard work, results will come. In other words: the speaker has failed to consider the fact that the reason that I continue to improve while he remains a flabby loser with at least 30% bodyfat and nothing underneath, isn’t because I’m juicing. It’s because I go to the fucking gym. I back squat 315 lbs. for reps. I do unassisted pull-ups with 45 pounds of extra weight strapped to me. The heaviest thing you’ve lifted all month was your Costco-sized package of Twinkies, which you then fried because you are a lardass.

In fact, for this I will not smack you. I will instead shove my foot so far up your ass that you will die.

* Nickelback was never cool.