Hate

Apparently, I can’t repeat this enough times: if your form consistently sucks, you only do half-reps, or you haven’t made any gains in over a year, do not interrupt my workout to share your fucking wisdom.

So Pure

Everyone’s talking about high-fructose corn syrup lately, and now that the corn industry is starting to push back, the discussion is rapidly becoming muddied. Based on what I’ve heard, read, and researched, and speaking as a non-doctor (except maybe a doctor of AWESOME), here’s what I’ve managed to carry away:

1. Of the the spots that the corn industry has been running states that HFCS is “nutritionally identical” to sugar. That’s not entirely true, of course; it’s of the fructose it contains, though. Chemically speaking, a molecule of table sugar (sucrose) is a molecule of fructose bound with a molecule of glucose. The glucose “breaks off” almost immediately and is absorbed by the body, causing a blood-sugar spike while leaving behind a fructose molecule, which your body will treat just like any other fructose molecule.

Fructose is processed differently than sucrose (as in, does not cause a blood-sugar spike), which means that it will not stem your cravings for sweets. This is why it’s so easy to consume so much of any food containing HFCS; it doesn’t satisfy your craving for sweets right away, so you keep eating.

2. HFCS is a cheap, abundant source of empty calories. It is prevalent because it is so cheap. What this means for the average consumer is that while we are all feeling the economic pinch, so much of the affordable food contains this cheap, abundant form of sugar. Is anyone really going to try to argue that a nation with growing waste-lines needs more sugar?

3. HFCS is heavily processed. It is produced by putting corn through an industrial process; it does not come out simply by squeezing kernels.

4. The statements that “corn is good for you,” so HFCS can’t be bad, are without meaning whatsoever. First of all: no it isn’t. Corn is oversubsidized and next to nutritionally worthless; any nutrients it does contain are excreted along with the undigested kernels. Second: ethanol is also made from corn. Are you arguing that we should drink that as a health tonic?

5. According to Democracy Now!, the predominant process for making HFCS increases our risk of exposure to trace amounts of mercury (although this could be rectified by implementing a safer process).

Off He Goes

Cable cross-overs are overrated. There; I said it. Their greatest appeal is that you look awesome while you’re watching yourself in the mirror when you’re doing them.

In theory, they’re an isolation movement for your pecs. On the surface, using cables for it makes sense. After all, cables confer the benefits of free weights, with the added benefit that they provide resistance through your entire range of motion. Free weights are unable to do this for several types of movements because they are only useful so long as you are working against gravity.

Additionally, they’re hard to do because it takes a lot of work to stabilize your movement. Again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. We’re not here to take it easy. If you want to take it easy, stay home on your couch. You’ll still be a fat-ass, but at least you don’t have to work hard.

The problem is that they are hard for the wrong reason. You aren’t just struggling to keeps your arms stable; you are struggling to keep your entire body stable. This limits the amount of weight you can use and greatly reduces the benefit for your scrawny, concave pecs.

Apparently, though, they can be saved. I saw one fellow at my gym doing a variation on them that seemed fairly effective. I say this because his torso is larger than a whale. What he did was to position himself directly in the center of the cable machine, holding one cable in each hand, with his torso bent 90 degrees forward, facing the floor. He then performed the usual cross-over movement from this position.

Disclaimer: I have not tried this myself yet. However, it does seem that this method reduces the problem of core instability to the point that you can use actual weight.

There are alternatives to cable cross-overs. This is good, because aside from looking good, cross-overs work just like any other sort of misguided “instability’ training. What do I refer to? Picture a pudgy, middle-aged woman standing on a Bosu ball. Yeah, it’s like that.

Fuel

One thing a lot of people don’t realize is that your gains don’t happen in the gym. Whether your goal is strength, bulk, or weight loss, you reach these goals as your body undergoes an adaptive process that occurs outside the gym. The successful application of what you do in the gym depends on what your body is able to do with itself afterward. This is why rest and diet are so important.

Rest: get at least 7 hours of sleep every day. (That was easy.)

Diet: don’t eat crap. (I rock at this.)

In all seriousness, what you eat will have a huge impact on your results. Some would even go so far as to say that the difference between a muscle-building regimen and a fat-loss regimen is your diet. Realistically, that’s some naive oversimplicity, but it does help illustrate the point that what you eat (and how much you eat) has major determinative effect.

A bit more to the point, though: for fat loss, you do want to create a caloric deficit. The idea, then, is to adjust your portion sizes so that your body, while it is recovering, burns more than you put in.[fn1] To preserve muscle mass, you’ll want to keep your protein high. Reduce your carb and fat intake instead.

Eating clean: ideally, where possible and affordable, stick to real food. Real food grows from the ground or comes directly from an animal. It is not manufactured; it is not refined; it is not enriched; it is not hydrogenated; it does not contain preservatives or high-fructose corn syrup. It really doesn’t come with fries and a Coke. Remember the caveman: caveman food is real food.

However, most of us don’t live on a farm, so we have to make do. Still, the best way to eat can be summed up with the following quote I’ve seen in a few places: “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” What this means for us is that, when possible, what we eat should be:

1. real food: as unprocessed as possible
2. nutrient-rich
3. plant-based
4. portioned reasonably

Why plants? They are nutrient-rich and generally low in bad fat and bad carbs. When you’re at the grocery store, stick to the perimeter, where they sell the food that can spoil. Why do we want this? Because food that spoils is actually food. For the most part, stay away from the center of the store; that’s where they sell the cheap, processed, empty calories that keep Americans fat. As a general rule, the more hard-to-pronounce ingredients there are in a food, the worse it is for you. As far as grains go: stick to whole grains. The less processing, enriching, or preservatives added, the better.

Whatever you do, stay away from partially hydrogenated oil and high-fructose corn syrup. No, this is not some fear-mongering about how HFCS will kill you; just keep in mind that it’s a cheap, abundant form of sugar that has no real effect on you except to make you fat.

In fact, from a nutritional perspective, most things based on corn are pretty worthless. Don’t believe me? Just consider how little your body actually uses of any corn that you consume. As most of us have probably noticed by now, whole corn passes through us almost completely unchanged. How much benefit do you really think you’re getting from that?

But what’s good for you? More to the point, what’s good for you that you can afford? The best way to find good, affordable produce is to find your nearest farmer’s market; it’ll be cheap, in-season, healthier, and you’ll be supporting the farmers directly. Also, I strongly endorse the consumption of eggs and oatmeal. They’re loaded with good stuff, they’re cheap, and there’s an endless variety of things you can do with them to make them tastier and even better for you.

In completely unrelated news, we’re all wusses compared to this guy: http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,24898111-2,00.html

FN1: this does not mean you should weigh your food. Unless you are an actual bodybuilder or figure athlete less than 4 weeks away from a competition, there is no sufficiently compelling reason to micromanage your portion size like that. If you find yourself constantly weighing your every meal, it is a possible sign of an actual eating disorder. Don’t do that shit. Just be aware of what you’re eating and practice self-control.

Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down

As you probably know, the music hosting site I used earlier, Muxtape, ran into a bit of a problem with the RIAA, and as a result, everything that anyone posted there is lost. However, thanks to the generosity of my other reader, we are now back in business. They’re nothing but a bunch of bullies; we can’t let them push us around.

She actually set this up for me some time ago, but I sorta let it slide. I was recently inspired to revisit my project of sharing my knowledge of Proper Workout Music, though, by a douchebag at my school gym who hooked his iPod up to the stereo and blasted his Rocky playlist. Yeah, it included “Eye of the Tiger.” Tool. If the idea is to prove how hardk0re you are, this effort is made of fail. By blasting it so loudly that no one can tune it out, you are failing loudly and aggressively to the detriment of everyone around. See also: Bush-era foreign policy. I really won’t miss that guy.

I’m here to help you rock out without sounding like a tool. As part of this new beginning, I hereby present to you the exact same playlist I presented last time. This time, however, I’m posting the track listing here, just in case something happens. You know, again.

Without further ado, I present Music by MEEE!!!

1. Primus (feat Ozzy) – Nativity in Black
There are two types of people on this earth: people who like Ozzy better with Black Sabbath, and people who like him better on his own. Some may say that they don’t like him at all. They aren’t actually people and you should kill them with fire. This track takes a classic, bad-ass Sabbath song and makes it even awesomer. It’s a great way to start.

2. Pantera – Walk
At one end of the manliness spectrum, there is Pantera. At the other end is Coldplay. This song not only features the aggression that we all know to expect, but its groove and tempo are perfect for our needs.

3. Disturbed – Voices
More good aggression with a good, aggressive tempo. Fills you with a desire to go nuts and kill your coworkers or something.

4. Buck Cherry – Crazy Bitch
A guilty pleasure. Seriously, though, one way or another, it gets you in the mood for something rough, like punching a crazy ex like after she tried that shit with the pregnancy test. Wait, where was I?

5. Motley Crue – Girls Girls Girls
If you need help understanding why this song is manful, your penis is hearby revoked.

6. Atreyu – Becoming the Bull
It’s kinda what we’re doing here. Also, the song has the right energy.

7. Smashing Pumpkins – Zero
This song is on here entirely because it inspired me to bang out a few extra sets one time when it came on the radio. This means that it works.

8. Metallica – So What
Lars sucks. This Anti-Nowhere League cover rocks, though.

9. Guns ‘n’ Roses – It’s So Easy
Axl sucks, and so does everything off of Chinese Democracy. This song, on the other hand, is everything hard and rude about the real G’n'R that we all used to love and, to this day, we mourn its loss. Make up for it in the weight room. It’s what Slash would want.

10. Dream Theater – As I Am
Dream Theater, with their insane time signature changes and 18-minute instrumentals, can be tough to handle. This song, though, is a good, straightforward rocker, and the singer even sounds like he doesn’t suck for a living. The album version has an intro where nothing happens for 90 seconds or so; this version fixes that problem and gets straight down to business.

11. Lacuna Coil – Fragile
This is the song that made me notice Lacuna Coil. The entire album Karmacode rocks. You’ll continue to hear from them.

12. Iron Maiden – The Number of the Beast
Because by now, you are the beast. Or something. It’s a legendary piece that’s a great way to finish your workout. Yes, this is the end. Why? First of all, because the Muxtape format only permits up to twelve tracks. Also, unless you’re moving onto some extended cardio (which, as you know, I do not endorse), you really shouldn’t spend more than an hour in the gym. That’s a one-way ticket to the Overtraining Land.

Start Me Up

The problem that a lot of new lifters face is that they don’t know where to start. You’re often relying on what other people tell you, filling in the gaps with guesswork. There’s also a lot of information out there, and much of it is horseshit. Fortunately, I’m here to help.

When establishing your foundation, keep it simple. There are six major types of lifts, four of which are critical. Old-school bodybuilders from the Golden Age would say that there are only three. The fundamental, compound movements recruit more motor units; your muscles work harder when they work together. This will stimulate greater gains in strength and mass. The higher demand results in a more taxing workout, which will not only burn more calories at the gym, but will also cause you to burn much more during recovery. It will also trigger the release of more growth hormone. They complement each other so as to correct imbalances and prevent injuries. Whether your goal is strength, mass, or weight loss, some version of each of the basics should be in your arsenal.

1. Dead lifts.[fn1] So many lifters disregard this one. There are dozens of variations, but the basic principle is that there is something heavy on the ground, which you pick up. The work should be powered with your legs and hips, not your back: stick your hips out behind you, and push them in like you just bought her dinner. This is the most basic, practical lift, and it has the highest motor-unit recruitment: legs, glutes, back, traps, all the way through your forearms. It’s hard work, but we’re not here to take it easy. If you want to get in shape without doing actual work, buy a Wii and tell me how that works out for you.

I hear the whining: “but I only care about my chest and arms!” Stop being a little bitch and listen: an exclusive focus on your mirror muscles will screw up your back and shoulders, will fail at making you look impressive, and will make your body look stupid. Working your legs and glutes will make you strong. It will burn calories because it is taxing. Going heavy will signal muscle growth, which will help your precious fucking biceps.

What I do currently: Hex-bar dead lifts on one legs day and Romanian dead lifts on the other. Also: I do two legs days. They’re that important.

2. Squats. Pretty self-explanatory. The most popular is the back squat. I rely heavily on the front squat. There are also overhead squats, hack squats, box squats, sissy squats (which are actually pretty tough) and many other versions. Squats will take care of everything in your legs and core that the dead lift can’t.[fn2]

What I do currently: front squats and walking lunges.

3. Pull-ups. Hang from something and pull yourself up. It will rock your world. Golden-age lifters would say that a horizontal pressing movement (bench press) should be high on this list, and with good reason; it’s an important upper-body movement that recruits a lot of motor units. Life has changed since then, though. We spend more time than ever sitting down at computers or in our cars with our arms forward. This means that most of us already have tension pulling us forward, straining our backs and shoulders. Fixing this means working the muscles that pull your arms and shoulders backward. Vertical pulling movements are great for this. Chin-ups (palms facing you) let you work your back and your biceps. Wide-grip pull-ups (palms facing away) will force you to use your back more. There is plenty of room for variation. All variations will hit your lats, which can give you that strong, v-shaped look. If this is new territory for you, start with chin-ups. Until you can do a set of ten with good form and without assistance, they’ll do more for your biceps than pumping away with your sister’s pink 5-pound dumbbells ever could.

What I do currently: weighted pull-ups on back-heavy days, weighted close-grip chin-ups on arms-heavy days.

4. Bench presses and all known variations. Incline dumbbell presses. Decline barbell presses. Floor presses. Cable presses. Push-up variations.[fn3] You get the idea. The key principle here is that you press weight away from you along your body’s horizontal plane. This recruits your chest (pecs), shoulders (deltoids), and triceps to varying degrees, depending on what variations you choose. Many of these movements involve pressing weight directly over you, so make sure you have a spotter so you don’t risk injury. Also, make sure that your spotter can actually help you.

What I do currently: Barbell bench press, 10 sets of 3, at 85% of my one-rep max. I’m trying to break through a plateau.

Incorporating each of those four major movements will get you far in building your foundation. These are the two remaining major categories of compound movements:

5. Horizontal pulling movements or rowing movements: pull something toward your body along its horizontal plane, similar to rowing a boat. In other words, do the opposite of a bench press. Popular forms include barbell rows, dumbbell rows, seated cable rows, t-bar rows, inverted rows. These will hit your lats, mid and lower traps, posterior deltoids (the back part of your shoulders), and your biceps. If you choose a unilateral movement here, though, be careful not to rotate your lower back; stability is key to avoiding injury.

What I do currently: Seated cable rows, but I’m likely to switch to dumbbell rows soon.

6. Vertical pressing movements: while you’re standing (or sitting) upright, press something heavy over your head. This can be done with dumbbells or a barbell, standing or sitting. These movements recruit front and lateral deltoids, upper traps, and to a lesser extent, your triceps. They don’t recruit as many motor units as the other movements, which is why I have listed them last. However, they are essential to a complete lifting regimen. Remember your spotter; your shoulder is a complex joint, and a serious injury can put you out of the game permanently.

What I do currently: Power clean and press. Not easy. Very taxing. I’m hardkk0re. That’s with 2 “k”s, bitches.

These are the fundamentals. Stick with them for a few months. When you are ready to graduate to more specialized movements, again remember to start simple. Doing the basics well will get you much further than doing advanced techniques poorly.

Remember that there is no shame in asking for help with a new technique or asking someone more experienced how to perform something correctly. There is shame in landing in the hospital because you let your ego fuck you over. A sports-related injury is rarely funny unless you had it coming. In that case, post pictures. Schadenfreude is educational.

FN1: BTW, in case a particular term confuses you: you’re on the Internet. It’s called Google. Or, if you’re feeling conscientious and you know a participating worthy cause, try Goodsearch. For people in the Tampa Bay area, WMNF is an eligible charity.

FN2: Before you start squatting with extra weight, you should make sure that you can properly do it with just your bodyweight. Plant your heels on the ground and drop as low as you can go, then drive yourself up until your knees lockout. A reasonable benchmark is to be able to do twenty of these without stopping before you add extra weight.

FN3: Regular, normal push-ups are your benchmark here. You should be able to do twenty with good form before you start worrying about pushing iron around. I refer to real push-ups: unless you are a ten-year-old girl, get off your damn knees.

How Many More Times

A new record for MEEE!!! was set on Saturday:  a 365-pound deadlift while hungover.  I’m awesome.

Wasted Time

The following people can shut the fuck up:

1. People who don’t eat breakfast.[fn1] These people have nothing valid to offer into any conversation about fitness, strength, diet, exercise, or life. It’s usually something like, “Oh, I’m not a ‘breakfast’ kind of person.” You’re also not an “in-shape” kind of person. Go hit yourself in the junk until you dry-heave. It’s not like you’ll puke up your breakfast.

Don’t be an idiot about it, either. If you think that breakfast from McDonald’s or any cereal with the word “frosted” in its name satisfies this, I will punch you in your stupid throat.

2. People who say something like, “That’s your opinion” when justifying their use of what they know to be incorrect form. Certain movements are defined in industry-standard terms that describe what makes up a correct basic movement. These are standardized definitions agreed upon many fitness coaches, fitness authors, bodybuilders, and professional lifters who do this for a living so that people know what they are talking about.

So, no, it is not a matter of opinion as to whether only going one-third of the way through a movement is correct, any more than anyone can have a valid “opinion” that Sarah Palin has actual foreign policy experience or that Jessica Alba isn’t fucking hot. There’s a reason that the serious lifters who use correct form keep outpacing you like you’re standing still. If you want to “do your thing,” that’s your right, but leave the grown-ups alone and keep your dipshit, counterfactual “opinions” locked in your pie hole, and don’t interrupt my workout to try to sell me this horseshit.

3. Badly out-of-shape people who ask for help or advice, then disregard it because they know better. Since you know what you need so much better than the people who are, you know, good at it, how about you stop wasting our time and go cut your own dick off with a powersaw?

One guy asked me to take him to the gym and make him get in some work. I had him doing some post-lifting cardio, but I saw that he was “jogging” at about 4.5 mph (no exaggeration). I told him he was wasting his time at that speed, to which he replied with a pompous sneer, “It’s the movement that matters.”

He’s right, of course; intensity doesn’t matter, which is why it’s just as productive for someone to bench 65 lbs. as it is for them to bench 315 lbs. You’ll have the same gains in size and strength, and you’ll oxidize fat just as quickly! Everything all those serious lifters and athletes out there have done over the years was wasted effort because hard work doesn’t matter! Thanks for setting me straight. Dumbass. Forget knowing anything about anatomy, physiology, or biology; this guy already knows everything he (or you) will ever need, and the reason he’s so overweight is because it’s the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust.

4. People whose mantra is, “I need to get in shape”, yet they never get off their asses and do anything about it. These people seemingly know what they “need,” but they never find the willpower or the energy to get off the damn couch and stop playing Gears of War. If you stopped flapping your mouth about what you “need to do,” you just might find the time to get off your ass and do it.

5. People who got pissed off about this ad. How do you people work up the energy to be outraged about this? You can’t even summon the energy to get off the couch or the motivation to put down your bag of McDonald’s and eat some fucking vegetables. If I had my way, fat people would be sent to forced labor camps to pay society back for all the extra food and resources that they’ve consumed over the years.

Seriously, though. It’s celery. Try it. It won’t kill you.

FN1. This is not intended to speak to the debate about fasted vs. unfasted cardio; there’s science to support both sides of whether to eat before you do morning cardio. I believe that the “correct” answer to this varies from person to person.

The Great Destroyer

I’ve decided to take a stand on the matter of preacher curls: they suck, and so do the people who use them. Unlike your mom, they don’t even do it well. They’re dangerous and they’re just about fucking useless, just like DRM: a service that is presented as a good thing, but really just impedes you from getting what you came for, and if you slip up, they’ll mess up your elbows and murder your family.

First, the danger. Most preacher curl benches that I’ve seen have a curved surface, rather than a flat one. Why is this a problem? Try extending your arm until the elbow locks. Unless you’re some bendy freak, your arm should lock into a straight position. It is not natural for it to hyperextend, and in fact pushing your radius and ulna past that point can cause severe damage to the bones and connective tissue in your elbow, kinda like I’m going to do to that douche who keeps singing along to Linkin’ Park. (Hey, while you’re at it, want to throw in some Hinder? Really, that’ll make you look even less like a 14-year-old girl.) Does that sound like a fun time to you? Wait, it DOESN’T? Then why the hell would you put yourself through it?

Yet when you’re using most preacher curl benches, your arm is locked at the end of your eccentric motion: the upper portion is firmly held in place, yet the weight in your hands is pulling attempting to pull your forearms even further down. While this probably won’t break your elbow, it will unnecessarily strain it. There’s one guy at my gym who told me that he “deals” with this by simply not lowering their arm all the way, which means that he’s not doing a full rep, he’s working less than half of his muscle’s range of motion, and he’s defeating the purported purpose behind the exercise. Also, his military press also only goes down to the top of his head. His advice is worth less than an AIG stock certificate.

Second problem: the range of motion is very limited. Granted, this is, to one extent or another, a problem with every curl. It’s only effective as long as the muscle is under tension. With a standard curl, you aren’t under tension at the top or the bottom of the movement because you aren’t working against gravity. The idea of the preacher curl is that it forces you to remain under tension at the bottom of the movement. The trade-off is that it further shortens the amount of time you spend under tension at the top. Half-reps are great if all you want is to half-develop your muscles. It’s your choice, kinda like how I only wash the passenger side of my car.

Still not convinced? Look at what the guys with big guns do. How many of them rely on preacher curls? Few use them at all, and the ones who do have something else in their arsenal. When all else fails, PAY ATTENTION TO THE ONES WHO ARE DOING IT RIGHT.

To be fair, there is a valid use for some preacher curl benches. If your gym lets you use the steep side, it can be a good way to lock your arm into place so that you can do a proper curl without cheating. In my experience, though, you can’t do that at most gyms. The preacher bench sits there, taking up space, waiting to lure in the next punk with delusions of adequacy.

If you’re after that stretch at the bottom, there are better, safer, more productive ways to get it. One of my favorites is the seated incline dumbbell curl. Not only does it give you the stretch at the end, but it also emphasizes the oft-neglected “long head” of your biceps. Bonus: this technique is endorsed by Kara Thrace.

There is one guaranteed way, though, to remain under tension at the top and the bottom of a biceps movement without sacrificing anything to gravity: stop being a pussy and do your chin-ups. If you’re truly hardk0re, you’ll do them with extra weight strapped to you. Some people use a 45-pound plate; I just use your mom.

I Think I’m Dumb

Without a doubt, if a trainer had to pick one type of equipment to use in furtherance of fostering awesomeness, the answer lies in dumbbells. They’re great for every important compound movement, except for one. If you can’t figure out the one type of movement that you can’t use them for, I can help: ram your head into the nearest hard doorway, then find something you can hang from and do a pull-up. The head-ram won’t help your performance, but it would be funny. Please post videos of your results.

Oddly enough, I don’t use dumbbells much for my legs. Until today. Realistically, there just isn’t enough weight available in dumbbell form for me to do deadlifts, but they’re perfect for lunges and walking lunges. I’ve lately taken to splitting up my legs workouts into separate days for quads and hams/glutes (this might not last), and I think the walking lunges would be a great way to focus the quads. This has two advantages. First: I won’t have to use the leg extension machine as a finisher, and I pretty much make fun of people who insist on sitting down for most of their time at the gym. I also make fun of people whose idea of cardio is to play drums on Rock Band.

Second, and probably more important, is that it’s a unilateral exercise. Unilateral movements have a lot of advantages. They force you to even out any strength imbalances, as well as being very beneficial in terms of high-threshold motor unit activation. Some lifters swear by unilateral movements, some don’t see the point; I see advantages, and the best way to take advantage of this type of movement is to use dumbbells. Remember, though, to go heavy or go home. Little, pink, five-pound dumbbells are for little girls and Brother Gimli.